Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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After his return from Rome, Will couldn't find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands. 'Now', she asked Will, 'has your plane arrived yet?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter. 'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 doll…
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 1 reply
- 590 views
'Dear IT Support: > >Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to >Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in >the overall performance, particularly in the >Flower and Jewellery applications, which >operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. > >In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other >valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and >Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed >undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. > >Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply >crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging >5.…
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 7 replies
- 610 views
Toilet paper for the mother in law....
Last reply by Austinville, -
- 4 replies
- 498 views
Why do us woman wear knickers? ....................................................... ..................................................... ........................................................... Because they say ALL man hole's should be covered at all times (soz, made me laugh)
Last reply by Dunc, -
You need to have the fresh prince of bel air song in your head before reading this..... http://bayimg.com/image/kanplaabb.jpg
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 6 replies
- 505 views
Not much I can say to this really LOL
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 6 replies
- 566 views
Lonely hearts ads. What they really mean:- Adventurous - Likes anal. Athletic - No tits. 30 something - 41+ Fun - Annoying Wild - Gets pissed easily. Beautiful eyes - Face like a robbers dog. Seeks Knight in Shining armour -Husband has fucked off with younger model. New age - Hairy with a smelly fanny. Headstrong - Argumentative - Enjoys Pubbing & Clubbing - Alcoholic. Curvy - Fat C*** Likes eating out = Lazy fat C***
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 2 replies
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A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot…
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 7 replies
- 497 views
http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/ Move your mouse see what he does Alt + F4 makes him disappear :cool:
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 5 replies
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Setanta has just won the rights to broadcast the World Origami Championships... ...unfortunately it's only available on paper view
Last reply by Sarah, -
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Posted this especially for Duncan and Richard...... Retirement sing along to the tune of: 'My Favourite Things' You remember: the tune from 'The Sound of Music' Rennies and nose drops and needles for knitting, Zimmers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favourite things. Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses, Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favourite things. When the pipes leak, W…
Last reply by Dunc, -
Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the Entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-Righteous. At a recent U2 concert he asked the audience For total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his Hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the Microphone: 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.' A broad Scots accent roared from the audience: 'Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'
Last reply by Sarah, -
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- 475 views
The following are real extracts from actual complaint letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. What a literate bunch we Brits truly are! I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand. I a…
Last reply by Sarah, -
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome ma…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
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An endearing characteristic of Australians is that they're far more direct and outspoken than most other nationalities, when dealing with the sort of elected cretin who wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to communicate. Below is one such communication..... Dear Mr. Minister, I'm in the process of attempting to renew my passport, and still find it difficult to believe that this nations government agencies are so dumb and stupid. How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me wher…
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 1 reply
- 598 views
After having their 11th child, a couple from Kent decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The guy said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it …
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
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If you haven't finished your assignments yet, this will give you a chuckle. But then you must press on! BRICKLAYER'S REPORT: Possibly the funniest story in a long while; This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the news letter of the Austra1ian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure Dear S i r , i am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put rrpoor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the…
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
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REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008 I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit. Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation. Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [photo]. I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been g…
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 5 replies
- 615 views
Why Parents Drink The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' he asked. ' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes ' 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No ' Hoping there was somebody with…
Last reply by PawPrints, -
- 7 replies
- 694 views
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why.......... I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every…
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 3 replies
- 893 views
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds. And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. …
Last reply by jules dief taz tor, -
- 5 replies
- 650 views
WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES!!! Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...... 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favourite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing! …
Last reply by jules dief taz tor, -
- 6 replies
- 634 views
The Husky Tip of the Day is: Many Siberian Husky Owners suffer from a chronic syndrome ... The Potato Chip Syndrome ... This is where you can never have just one!
Last reply by jules dief taz tor, -
- 4 replies
- 736 views
Legs does this elephant have???
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too! Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explain…
Last reply by Dunc,
