Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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- 8 replies
- 406 views
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a 30,000 loan to take a holiday.' Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, …
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 4 replies
- 401 views
LET HIM DIG!!! An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the w…
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 4 replies
- 572 views
*Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:"Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.* *Caution... They Walk Among Us!* *One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" One of our group looked up at the sky…
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 4 replies
- 490 views
Proof That The World Is Nuts In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense..) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but he is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) *~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the decease…
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
A new sign
by Sarah- 6 replies
- 444 views
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and Withd…
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 8 replies
- 476 views
For a woman: 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses 8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday 8:45 Breakfast in bed; freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants....open presents--expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner 9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil 10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer 10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, blow wave 12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe 12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22 lbs 1:00 Shopping with friends; unlimited credit 3:00 Nap 4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; ca…
Last reply by jules dief taz tor, -
- 4 replies
- 406 views
Penis I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or pub[l]ic holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response : Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you Have raised, the administration reje…
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 2 replies
- 402 views
The Definition of Poverty One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was the trip?' 'It was great, Dad.' 'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked. 'Oh yeah,' said the son. 'So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?' asked the father. The son answered: 'I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that re…
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 3 replies
- 446 views
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.. Female....... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male..... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.. 4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.! Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. …
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 4 replies
- 470 views
came across this on the net and had to share ..........
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 4 replies
- 470 views
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you? He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said to me. .....Why don't women blink during foreplay? I said to him .. .They don't have time He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I…
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 1 reply
- 424 views
http://www.catswhothrowupgrass.com/kill.php
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 1 reply
- 484 views
http://www.zefrank.com/indexdance.html
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 6 replies
- 527 views
MOUSE CALIBRATION Instructions if your mouse is not recalibrated for the new year. You should actually do this every year. Even more often is recommended by Kim Kommando (the computer guru) if you spend a lot of time on the computer. I was shocked to see how well this works! To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below. Then drag the Y toward the g. If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse. Y ou dumb ass. You'll believe anythin g I'M SURE YOU WILL ALSO RECOMMEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS ONCE YOU SEE HOW WELL IT WORKS
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 3 replies
- 550 views
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man) Yes Woman) I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat,its only 1000 is it ok if i buy it. Man) Sure,go ahead if you like it that much Woman) I also stopped by the mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models i saw one i really like. Man) How much? Woman) 390,000 Man) Ok but for that price i want it with all the options Woman) Great,oh and one more thing......The house i wanted last year is back on t…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
- 5 replies
- 565 views
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Last reply by Sarah, -
- 5 replies
- 684 views
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Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 5 replies
- 656 views
A SHORT LOVE STORY A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,. 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's …
Last reply by jules dief taz tor, -
Have been sent these and had to share them with you.....
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 12 replies
- 940 views
MORNING SEX She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As he walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.' His eyes lit up and he thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?' …
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 3 replies
- 552 views
No seriously they have guns now! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6 reasons not to mess with children. (1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.' …
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 14 replies
- 858 views
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' ----------------------- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. ------------------------ I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' ----------------------- I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' ---------------------------- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End' -----…
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 3 replies
- 541 views
WRITTEN BY A 15 yr. Old SCHOOL KID IN ARIZONA: New Pledge of Allegiance (TOTALLY AWESOME)! Since the Pledge of Allegiance And The Lord's Prayer Are not allowed in most Public schools anymore Because the word 'God' is mentioned.... A kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer : Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd. If Scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Feder…
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 8 replies
- 669 views
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ6TWZv9ji4[/ame] This is funny..........
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 5 replies
- 477 views
got sent this and thought i would share with you .. We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little…
Last reply by Sarah,
