Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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Sad fact If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000. The firearms death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq. Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington D.C.
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 2 replies
- 424 views
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood f…
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 3 replies
- 438 views
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true... Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70! 01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 03. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you? 05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 07. Things you buy now won't wear out. 08. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 09. You can live without sex but not you…
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 4 replies
- 389 views
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get... 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you Once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 8 replies
- 671 views
for Sarah,Laura,Amy & ex friend NIX / NICOLA ::: BREAKING NEWS ::: In 2009 the government will start deporting all the mentally ill people. I started crying when I thought of you. Run my little crazy friends, run! Well, what can I say?? Someone sent it to me, and dammit, I'm NOT going alone!
Last reply by Dunc, -
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that! 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too! 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep! 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Who me? 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well fooey! 6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. Oh no - not …
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 11 replies
- 727 views
I applied for a job at a mental hospital but they said i needed atleast 24 hours of experience with a retard so i was wondering.......................................................... what are you doing tomorrow? hahahahahahaha jokes hey sarah when u read this can u change the title to 'Job Application' or summin plz dnt need any enemys on here lol
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 6 replies
- 433 views
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk? If a word in a dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If all the nations in the world are in the debt, where did all the money go? If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it? If CON is the opposite of PRO, is congress the opposite of progress? If FedEx and Ups merged, would they call it Fed UP? If fire fighters fight fire and …
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 1 reply
- 389 views
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats. 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you , don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is G…
Last reply by Sarah, -
Sometimes I wonder why Is that Frisbee getting bigger And then it hits me Light travels faster than sound This is why some people Appear bright until you Hear them speak Handle every stressful situation Like a dog If you cant eat it or hump it. Piss on it and walk away. Don’t hit kids No seriously ( they have guns now ) some people are like Slinkies... they are really good for nothing... but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs
Last reply by Sarah, -
Sometimes I wonder why Is that Frisbee getting bigger And then it hits me Light travels faster than sound This is why some people Appear bright until you Hear them speak Handle every stressful situation Like a dog If you cant eat it or hump it. Piss on it and walk away. Dont hit kids No seriously ( they have guns now )
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 0 replies
- 422 views
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . Not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is .. . .Having friends. At age 17 success is . ... Having a drivers licence. At age 35 success is . Having money. At age 50 success is . . . Having money. At age 70 success is . .. .Having a drivers licence. At age 75 success is . . Having friends. At age 80 success is . .. .Not piddling in your pants.
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 0 replies
- 401 views
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 5 replies
- 578 views
i want one of these tax disc holders
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 11 replies
- 876 views
The Sad Tale Of The Dead Duck. A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, "Cuddles" has passed away' The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?' 'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied. 'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something' The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left t…
Last reply by laura_3173, -
- 3 replies
- 503 views
This is the story of 4 people named. Anyboby Everybody Somebody Nobody One day there was a job that needed to be done. Someone was asked to do it Everyone was sure Someone would do it But no-one did it. Every one got angry cos its Someones job. No one didnt realise that Anyone could have done it. It ended up with Everyone blaming Some one and No one doing what Any one could have done.
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 3 replies
- 560 views
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'…
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 3 replies
- 635 views
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your Butt!' His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Talcum Powder in my Underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powd…
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 2 replies
- 478 views
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah) I was the white Dude with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message because I'd like to apologize. I didn't know you would crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't because it was cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that e…
Last reply by laura_3173, -
- 11 replies
- 763 views
good one, for the laidies :-) How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.. Wash your hair ag…
Last reply by jules dief taz tor, -
- 3 replies
- 523 views
Ways to Annoy People At An Amusement Park Leave large gaps in between you and the people in front of you while waiting in line. Offer people money for their spots in line...MONOPOLY money. Find someone to tell your life story to. Whisper right in someone's ear, "I know what you did last summer." Ways to Annoy Usenet (internet newsgroup) Users Post a message asking how to post messages. Post recipes on rec.pets.cats. Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature. Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster. How to Annoy (Get Rid Of) A Blind Date Hold a debate. Take both sides. Repe…
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 3 replies
- 627 views
How long do you have left to live http://www.bored.com/deathforecast/ According to this - I'm going to die at around 83 years old LOL sorry Marc hehe
Last reply by laura_3173, -
- 4 replies
- 592 views
some one sent me this link the other day .. moaning that they don't understand people from my neck of the woods.. so to help those whom don't speak properly LOL i have put link below.. have fun ... http://www.cockneyrhymingslang.co.uk/rabbit
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 21 replies
- 1.3k views
Say no more ... This is funny [ame]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=4dT3SEAb-QA[/ame]
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 4 replies
- 598 views
Seven Kinds Of Sex..... The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called ... Ha…
Last reply by siberian_wolf,
