Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
-
- 5 replies
- 365 views
10. Hes distracted by cats chasing his mouse. 9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question. 8. Saliva-coated disks refuse to work. 7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome. 6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that hes browsing http://www.purina.com instead of working. 5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating. 4. He cant help attacking the screen when he hears Youve Got Mail. 3. Its too messy to mark every Web site he visits. 2. The FETCH command isnt available on all platforms. 1. He cant stick his head out of Windows XP.
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 5 replies
- 435 views
At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty. The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the apex predator, can still fall victim to implemented team work strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and survival of the pack mentality bred into the canines. See the remarkable photograph below - courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog atta…
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 7 replies
- 616 views
http://www.thispagecannotbedisplayed.com/f-ck.php
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 5 replies
- 575 views
Not sure if we've had this before but made me chuckle lol 1. The pets live here. You dont. 2. If you dont want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (Thats why its called fur"niture.) 3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesnt speak clearly. 4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because: - they dont ask for money all the time - they are easier to train - they usually come when called - they dont hang out with drug-using friends - they dont need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and -…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
- 2 replies
- 291 views
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes university. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right aft…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
- 1 reply
- 364 views
The Squirrel & The Grasshopper (REST OF THE WORLD VERSION) The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter the squirrel is warm and well fed. The grasshopper is hungry and in the cold. THE END The Squirrel & The Grasshopper (THE BRITISH VERSION) The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a…
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 1 reply
- 333 views
A *Paris Hilton* an expensive hole A *Dennis Wise* a nasty 5 footer A *Salman Rushdie* an impossible read A *Rio Ferdinand* Lipped out A *Rock Hudson* thought it was straight, but it wasn't A *Cuban* needs one more revolution An *Elton John * a big bender that lips the rim An *Adolf Hitler* two shots in the bunker A *Yasser Arafat* ugly and in the sand A *Kate Winslett* little bit fat but otherwise perfect A *Gerry Adams* …
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 1 reply
- 320 views
Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.. Variation Law If yo…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
- 7 replies
- 333 views
Three little ducks go into a Bar...... 'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?' 'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey. 'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?' 'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two. 'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked. 'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What els…
Last reply by sammie, -
- 3 replies
- 416 views
WOMEN: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED CITIZEN." 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE." 3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 5. She ha s not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED." 7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED" 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED." …
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 2 replies
- 370 views
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense. In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. Marriage is a thre…
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 4 replies
- 393 views
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 5 replies
- 506 views
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarket…
Last reply by Austinville, -
- 9 replies
- 438 views
Besides the obvious lol
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 3 replies
- 500 views
why men watch formula one lol http://www.grandprix-live.com/paddock-babes/
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 2 replies
- 402 views
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. --Anonymous …
Last reply by Mistyrayn, -
- 11 replies
- 651 views
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." …
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 2 replies
- 368 views
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds'. I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... After retiring, I went to the Social Secu…
Last reply by sammie, -
resignation
by Sarah- 21 replies
- 1.1k views
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again. * I want to go to McDonald's and think that it is a four star restaurant. * I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks. * I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them. * I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk. * I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. * I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake. …
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 2 replies
- 531 views
# Drinking. Homer's toast after Springfield lifts its ban on prohibition clearly and succinctly summarizes mankind's relationship to alcohol through all eternity. "To alcohol: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." # The Second Amendment. I try not to get too pinko too often, but I'm a big gun control guy. And I like this quote from the episode where Homer joins the NRA, where Krusty the Clown effectively juxtaposes the modern uses of guns and the actual theory behind Americans' Constitutional right to bear arms. "Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your…
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 8 replies
- 435 views
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one halfin front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man be…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
- 1 reply
- 345 views
http://www.dancingpaul.com/
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 1 reply
- 325 views
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession…
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
- 13 replies
- 680 views
This is literally a 'church signs' debate, being played out in a Southern US town, between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church, and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church.? From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time. The Catholics are displaying a much better sense of humor!? You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously and are getting a bit upset... Forward to all animal lovers and you'll get a cookie, doggie biscuit or rock depending on what God decides?your reward for humor will be.?
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
Work Excuse
by Marc- 6 replies
- 655 views
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE .. You recon it would work?
Last reply by scott,
