Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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Last reply by Sarah, -
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HE SAID: Q: Why are brides dressed in white? A: So they match the rest of the appliances. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring wedding ring suffering Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." A man meets a genie. The genie tell…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
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Great truths that children have learned 1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats. 2. When your Mum is angry with your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3. If your sister hits you don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. Never ask your three year old brother to hold a tomato. 5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. 8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9. Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts. 10. The best place to be when you're sad is grandad…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
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Last reply by sammie, -
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom ? Michael said, Just a minute I have to go pee . The teacher responded by saying, That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it ? Sherman said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Ill be right back Thats better, but its still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.…
Last reply by sammie, -
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http://deesinbox.com/2009/01/04/where-does-a-womans-money-go/
Last reply by siberianandy, -
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The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by th…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10 "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6 …
Last reply by Sarah, -
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- 373 views
I never forget a face But in your case I'll make an exception Don't look out of the window People will think that it's Halloween You've a face like a million dollars All green and wrinkled I've kept my youthful complexion Yes, so I see, all spotty Haven't I seen you on TV Well yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me ? Off Do you think that I'll lose my looks when I get older With luck, yes My husband always carries my photo in his pocket. It once saved his live when a mugger tried to stab him. Of course, your face would stop anything I've just come b…
Last reply by sammie, -
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- 439 views
Take a look at these adult cartoons.... http://www.hogrockcafe.com/more_adult_cartoons.htm Hehehe made my day!!
Last reply by Sarah, -
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1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: Its triplets . Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2. Good: Your wifes not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: Shes a lawyer 3. Good: Your son is finally maturing Bad: Hes involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you 4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Ugly: Youre in them 5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You cant find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them 6. Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad:…
Last reply by sammie, -
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- 392 views
Just a little something to make you smile :D
Last reply by sammie, -
New keyboard
by Marc- 12 replies
- 682 views
Sorry peeps ... this ones for the blonds only http://www.keyboardforblondes.com/keyboard_bigger.html
Last reply by siberianandy, -
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this made me chuckle!! http://www.funpic.hu/swf/rocky.html
Last reply by jules dief taz tor, -
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine... (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
- 2 replies
- 364 views
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog …
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
I want a floating duck house I want to clear my moat I need to mend my tennis court Thats why I need your vote. I have to build a portico My swimming pool needs mending My lovely plants need horse manure And the Aga needs much tending A chandelier is vital Mock Tudor boards are great My hanging baskets won awards And Ive earned a tax rebate. I need a glitter toilet seat. My piano so needs tuning Maltesers help me stay awake And my orchard must need pruning I could have said the rules were wrong And often thought I should, But somehow it was easier To prof…
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
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1. Beers 'n' babes During the 1990s Budweiser ran a series of adverts where two beautiful women appeared in front of two truck drivers drinking the brew. Michigan man Richard Overton promptly bought a case of the beer, drank it and waited -- but no hot babes appeared. Cue lawsuit. Overton cited emotional distress and mental injury due to false advertising and wanted over $10,000 in damages. Thankfully, the court realised it would take a hell of a lot more than a case of Budweiser to get this loser a date and they decided to dismiss the case. 2. When all else fails, sue yourself In 1995 Robert Lee Brock, a prison inma…
Last reply by Sarah, -
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- 325 views
Guess she won..........
Last reply by Sarah, -
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS! : Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affec…
Last reply by Sarah, -
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- 391 views
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=caroline372 This guy is a riot! I've watched most of his 400+ videos. Very talented man.
Last reply by Sarah, -
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1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do s…
Last reply by Marc, -
- 2 replies
- 340 views
*LORD... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* Mary got married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and her & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Mary *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Mary finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her…
Last reply by sammie, -
- 6 replies
- 426 views
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. I will not …
Last reply by Sarah,
