Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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- 1 reply
- 315 views
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so …
Last reply by debs, -
For all those that love Garfield... Feel free to add your own
Last reply by siberianandy, -
- 3 replies
- 369 views
i thought some of these were quite funny but maybe its just me I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Last reply by Austinville, -
- 10 replies
- 539 views
ok i seen this a few timesand it always gets people thinking see if you can get the right answer If you went into a dark room with one match, and there was a fire place,a gas lanton and a lamp whic would you light first???
Last reply by Sarah, -
Mean names
by Sarah- 6 replies
- 405 views
http://www.cheezus.com/mean/ If you're ever stuck for a name to call someone click on the above link to get some good ones lol
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 3 replies
- 325 views
* Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker 'Dustbuster'. The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace. * Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings. * X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'. * A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser…
Last reply by jules dief taz tor, -
- 4 replies
- 334 views
This has gotta be the best wedding invite ever lol
Last reply by Austinville, -
- 2 replies
- 939 views
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 3 replies
- 349 views
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy "I have a football." Man "That's nice." Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No, thanks." Boy "My dad's outside." Man "OK, how much?" Boy - $250 A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. Boy "Dark …
Last reply by Mazz, -
- 2 replies
- 516 views
hmmmmmmmmm LOL
Last reply by siberian_wolf, -
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Siberian Husky dog. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her crystal blue eyes in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black…
Last reply by mbb23, -
- 2 replies
- 404 views
Now I lay me down to sleep, The queen-size bed is soft and deep. I sleep right in the center groove My human being can hardly move! I've trapped her legs, She's tucked in tight, And here is where I pass the night. No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and I want food! I sneak up slowly and it begins My nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up slowly and smiles and shouts, "You darling beast! Just cut it out!" But morning's here and it's time to play I always seem to get my way. So thank you, Lord, for giving me This human person that I see The one who hu…
Last reply by Sarah, -
Dear Dogs, When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The othe dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run. I can not buy anything bi…
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 4 replies
- 392 views
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny. 3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!! 4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?) 5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway? 6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it. 7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet? 8. Getting upset when I sniff the…
Last reply by jules dief taz tor, -
- 2 replies
- 380 views
Author Unknown Why own a dog? There's danger you know You can't own just one, the craving will grow There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger. One dog is so funny, and two are no trouble The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey The fifth's delightful, the sixth one's a breeze, You find you can live with a house full with ease. So how 'bout another? Would you really dare? They're really quite easy, but Lord, the hair. With dogs on the sofa, and dogs on the bed, And crates in the kitchen, It's no bother, you've said, …
Last reply by siberianandy, -
Sound familiar? 1. The dog is not allowed in the house! 2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms. 3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture. 4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture only. 5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. 6. All right, the dog is allowed on the bed, but ONLY by invitation. 7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but NOT under the covers. 8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation ONLY. 9. The dog can sleep und…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
- 3 replies
- 458 views
You know you own a BIG Sibe when... -The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!". -You tell your Sibe to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair. -It takes 3 people to get your Sibe on the scale at the vet's office. -You walk your Sibe and everyone knows her by name, but you have no idea who these people are. -You can carry on a conversation with a Sibe's muzzle firmly in your crotch. -You own a Sibe capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty. -Your Sibe can hide an entire tennis ball (among other things) fully inside her lips and give you that innocent look that say…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
- 5 replies
- 618 views
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford : Dear Mrs. Murray, While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking. 2. July 2…
Last reply by jules dief taz tor, -
- 2 replies
- 375 views
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following menu options: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are …
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
- 2 replies
- 401 views
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I've just finished cleaning!" 2. My mother taught me RELIGION: Youd better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why!" 5. My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about." 6 My mother taught me about OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" 7. My mot…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
- 2 replies
- 453 views
ÊŽÉÂqÇ uo pɹÉÂoqÊŽÇÂÊž É ÊŽnq ı ÇÂɯıʇ ʇsÉÂן ÇÂɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 2 replies
- 392 views
Fella was having his usual afterw*rk 5-10 pints with his cronies, bitching about his missus giving him grief when he went home for always being drunk, when caught short he vomited on his suit jacket. Oh great he moaned, when she sees this, shell go through me for a shortcut, what the hell can I do? Simple his mate replied, stick 10 in your suit jacket pocket and when she starts on at you say that it wasnt you, it was someone else and that they stuck 10 in your suit jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning. Brilliant! our hero exclaimed and proceed to get completely rat-@rsed eventually leaving at closing time and making his way home on both side…
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 4 replies
- 444 views
Dog for sale in Montana A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, whats your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I…
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 2 replies
- 378 views
It's official - they aren't going to bury Michael Jackson....during the autopsy, they discovered that there is too much plastic in him. He'll be recycled into Legos so that children can play with him for a change.
Last reply by Mazz, -
- 0 replies
- 294 views
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written..... -------------- Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think …
Last reply by Sibe77,
