Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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who builds houses for a living, is a carpenter aunt.
Last reply by robke, -
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Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’ Malley at St. Ann‘s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?” Sergeant Jones, co…
Last reply by robke, -
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There were three guys. They each were asked to name something green, pink and yellow. The first guy said, "My shirt is green, my tie is pink and my pants are yellow". The second guy said, "The grass is green, the sun is yellow, and my door is pink." The third guy said, "The phone goes 'green green', I pink it up and say 'yellow'".
Last reply by robke, -
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Also known as a 'woman's intuition', this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this? In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces. That, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower.
Last reply by robke, -
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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate the…
Last reply by robke, -
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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell …
Last reply by robke, -
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A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?" "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back." "NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street. The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and w…
Last reply by viamphie, -
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Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies. One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint. As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned.
Last reply by Andy, -
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An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: "We've got to give it back". She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hide…
Last reply by Emma, -
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A magician from Mexico tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ... He disappeared without a tres.
Last reply by Emma, -
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After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris, France, sent word through the streets of Paris, that a new bell ringer was urgently needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills over a long period, he decided to call it a day and to continue the interviewing process the following day. Just then, an armless Frenchman approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous. "But, you have no arms, Monsieur !" "No matter," said…
Last reply by Emma, -
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Naomi, recently married, meets her friend Emma in the Brent Cross shopping center. "Hi Naomi," says Emma, "how’s marriage treating you?" "Not too bad Emma," replies Naomi, "but tell me something — I'm not sure of the etiquette ." "When one first gets married, how long should one wait before starting to point out to one's husband what disgusting habits he has?"
Last reply by Mazz, -
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"Cheer up," the lawyer advised his recently divorced colleague, "there are plenty of other fish in the sea." "Maybe so," replied his despondent friend, "but the last one took all my bait."
Last reply by robke, -
Starbucks has a new S'mores Frappuccino, which became available today. It's perfect for those people looking to gain s'more weight.
Last reply by Andy, -
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Last reply by Emma, -
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Last reply by Emma, -
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A man got on a 'bus, with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls. and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him, and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow"?
Last reply by Mazz, -
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Last reply by goingsolo, -
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A turtle ran a small convenience store in the bad part of the forest, down by the favorite watering hole for most of the criminal element among the animals. One evening, just as he was closing up, he was robbed by a gang of snails! When the police came to investigate the robbery, they asked him if he got a good look at who the perpetrators were? The turtle said no he didn't, it all just happened so quickly.
Last reply by Emma, -
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Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many. You can learn many things from children....... like how much patience you have. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume kn…
Last reply by Sarah, -
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Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it…
Last reply by Emma, -
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This woman ordered an exotic snake through a mail order operation. When the package arrived, there were only feathery necklaces in the box. Apparently, the boa cons tricked her.
Last reply by robke, -
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A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center. "Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?" "Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $20,000." "Oh my!" the man exclaimed . "That's a lot of money!" "Yes, but a diamond is forever." "Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"
Last reply by Sarah, -
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An old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They could only come up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”
Last reply by Emma, -
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Cyril goes to see his solicitor and says, "My neighbor owes me $750 but he won’t pay up. He says he owes me nothing. What do you suggest I do?" "Do you have any proof that he owes you the money?" asks the solicitor. "No, I’m afraid I don’t," replies Cyril. "OK then," says the solicitor, "Here’s what you should do. Write him a formal letter asking him to pay the $1,000 he owes you." "But he only owes me $750," says Cyril. "Exactly right," says the solicitor, "That's what he will say in his reply to you and then we will then have the proof we need to pursue your claim."
Last reply by Emma,
