Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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Two shepherds lean on their staffs at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?" The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 336 views
January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!! March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!' April Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- …
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 313 views
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and Stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' (Are you ready? This is a beauty... ) …
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 268 views
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won't leave him alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay more to the left." After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 333 views
On his way back from the movie concession stand, Little Johnny asked the man at the end of the row, "Sir, did I step on your foot a minute ago?" Expecting an apology the man said, "Indeed you did." Little Johnny nodded. "Oh, good. Then this is my row."
Last reply by Emma, -
- 0 replies
- 271 views
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, “You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?” “Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “Why?” “Because,” said the caddy…. “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language!”
Last reply by Mazz, -
- 2 replies
- 333 views
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' ....... seems appropriate though."
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 333 views
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating one candy bar after another. After he had consumed his sixth candy bar, the old gentleman sitting across the bike path from him said, "Son, if you keep eating candy bars like that you're going to get acne, have rotten teeth and get fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grand-dad lived to be 107 years old." The old gentleman said, "Did he eat candy bars like that?" "No," said Little Johnny, "He minded his own business!!"
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 290 views
The fifth grader came home from school bubbling with excitement after having been voted "Prettiest Girl in the Class." She was even more excited when she came home the next day after the class had voted her "Most Popular." But several days later when she announced she had won a third contest, she was somewhat subdued. "What were you voted this time?" her mother asked. "Most Stuck-up ! ," the girl replied.
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 349 views
While going out for a ride with his young son, a doctor notices the little boy playing with his stethoscope. He becomes so excited, thinking "My son is going to follow in my footsteps!" Then the boy speaks into the stethoscope like a microphone, "Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order please?"
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 336 views
A child comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?” The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”
Last reply by Emma, -
Bucket List
by Mazz- 2 replies
- 466 views
Here's mine. What's on your bucket list? Bucket Bucket Bucket Bucket Bucket Bucket Bucket Bucket
Last reply by Emma, -
- 4 replies
- 618 views
Last reply by Emma, -
Sister Mary
by Mazz- 2 replies
- 424 views
There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit. Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!" Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Supe…
Last reply by Emma, -
The Barber
by Mazz- 2 replies
- 345 views
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation Sammy , the barber , answered, “When he’s four.”
Last reply by Emma, -
- 4 replies
- 471 views
A Mini car crashes into the back of Melvyn's Rolls Royce as Melvyn is waiting to turn left. The Mini driver is furious. "Why didn't you have your turn signal on ?!" he shouts. "What would have been the point?" shrugs Melvyn, "If you couldn’t see my Rolls Royce, how could you have seen my indicator?"
Last reply by Emma, -
- 5 replies
- 451 views
One night at the Walmart... My wife and I were shopping in the local Wal-Mart. I picked up a case of Budweiser and put it in our cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks my wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' I replied. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' said my wife, and so we carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along my wife picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?' I asked. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replied my wife. So I replied: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.' That's when the fight started...
Last reply by Emma, -
- 3 replies
- 351 views
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I’d like a little brother,” the boy said. “Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?” “Well,” said the boy, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”
Last reply by Andy, -
Cat Selfie.
by Emma- 2 replies
- 415 views
saw this pic and it did make me chuckle although I must say I don't take selfie's like that. Perhaps i should start, lol.
Last reply by Andy, -
- 3 replies
- 523 views
Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?" Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious." Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?" Susie replies "I'm burying my gold fish." Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?" Susie replies "Because my goldfish is inside your cat".
Last reply by Emma, -
- 3 replies
- 450 views
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please" She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size." When I got up off the floor I explained it to her. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side. ' …
Last reply by Emma, -
- 5 replies
- 3.5k views
A young country bumpkin in his late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire himself out as a "handy man" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for him to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the country bumpkin quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told him that the paint, brushes and everything hewould need were in the garage. The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does he not realise that our po…
Last reply by goingsolo, -
- 2 replies
- 324 views
The man put his name on the neck of his shirt so he would have collar ID.
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
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Last reply by Emma, -
- 3 replies
- 413 views
Last reply by Andy,
