Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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Potty Time
by Mazz- 3 replies
- 402 views
A woman was driving down the highway about 70 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked back,there were three officers following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three policemen were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Last reply by Emma, -
We Want It!
by Emma- 5 replies
- 449 views
This is a definitely a familiar scene!
Last reply by Clare70, -
- 3 replies
- 324 views
Ice can be like this sometimes......
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 253 views
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?", "No," says the psychic. "Next term in her biology class."
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 297 views
A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted. "Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him." "And when was that?" "When he asked for his second cup.
Last reply by Emma, -
- 3 replies
- 447 views
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, Welcome t…
Last reply by Andy, -
- 3 replies
- 305 views
None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad,Billy." One day Billy's mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery,…
Last reply by Andy, -
Oh Grandpa
by Mazz- 2 replies
- 295 views
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now." So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later." Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grand…
Last reply by Emma, -
- 3 replies
- 551 views
Last reply by Jase, -
- 3 replies
- 330 views
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, and minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Last reply by goingsolo, -
- 2 replies
- 258 views
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 297 views
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Last reply by Emma, -
- 3 replies
- 334 views
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but she's so fat she can only fasten eight."
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 307 views
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. (I don't know how they got there -- it's a joke, okay.) They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the one person gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others. The others were so touched, they all started clapping. Oops!
Last reply by Emma, -
Travel Plans
by Mazz- 4 replies
- 408 views
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capa…
Last reply by Guinnessman, -
- 6 replies
- 472 views
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Last reply by Guinnessman, -
- 4 replies
- 341 views
Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.
Last reply by robke, -
- 4 replies
- 537 views
A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been to together since we got married.” "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else? A friend or relative or even a neighb…
Last reply by Mazz, -
- 4 replies
- 384 views
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new CAR.
Last reply by Mazz, -
One beautiful December evening Pepito and his girlfriend Pepita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pepe said "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Pepa. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pepito begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me." Pepita looked at Pepito and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu." Pepito grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu …
Last reply by Emma, -
- 4 replies
- 564 views
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 1 reply
- 294 views
One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily. Later that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”
Last reply by robke, -
- 1 reply
- 358 views
In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks,"And why don't you get me a whisky you stupid idiot." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you moron." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that…
Last reply by robke, -
Why did the golfer bring 2 pairs of pants to the tournament? In case he got a hole in one.
Last reply by robke, -
- 2 replies
- 351 views
Little Johnny: “This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.” Little Sammy: “I bet you were mad.” Little Johnny: “Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!”
Last reply by Emma,
