Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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A missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, “I’m toast.” A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.” So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The deep voice booms out from above again: “Okay…NOW you’re toast!”
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 373 views
The teacher asked Little Johnny if he was going to the Maypole dance. "No, I ain't going," was the reply. The teacher corrected Little Johnny. "You must not say, "I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.'" And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, Johnny, can you say all that?" Little Johnny nodded and smiled brightly. "Sure!" He replied. "They ain't nobody going."
Last reply by Emma, -
Punography.
by Emma- 0 replies
- 306 views
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 452 views
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 497 views
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 402 views
A husband and wife were having a petty argument. Finally, the wife said: "I'll admit I'm wrong if you'll admit I'm right." Her husband agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "OK. I admit it. I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're absolutely right!"
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 355 views
1. Don't imagine you can change a man – unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander – it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man…
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 361 views
A greenhorn spied a beautiful horse in a cowboy's corral, he ask if he would sell the horse, the cowboy says, "OK I will take $200.00 for the horse." The greenhorn was baffled, he asks, "Why would you sell such a beautiful horse for only $200.00?" The cowboy replied, " I don't think he looks very good." The greenhorn hauls the horse home but returns with him the next day exclaiming, "This horse is blind!" The cowboy replied, "I told you he doesn't look very good."
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 340 views
An Englishman, Scottsman, and Irishman are selling bibles door to door. They have a bet who will sell the most in a day. They meet up at end of day and Englishman had sold 2, Scottsman had sold 3, but the Irishman who had a terrible stutter says, "Iiiii Iiiiii ssssooold ssssixty." The other two asked how did he do it. He said, "Wwwhen Iiiii nnnnnnknock aaaat thththe ddddooor I said: Do you wwwwwant tto bbbuy a bbbbbible ooooorrr shshshould Iiii jjjust rrrread it tttto yyyyou?"
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 399 views
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.” “But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 316 views
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me," he said, "She was talking to the doctor!"
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 408 views
A doctor says to his patient, "Without these treatments, you've got 3 months to live," and hands him a bill. The patient says, "My God! Look at all these. I can't come up with this kind of money in 3 months!" The doctor says, "Alright! You've got 6 months to live."
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 386 views
A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him. When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog. A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes. He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog, he almost got you killed?" The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his a$$!"
Last reply by Emma, -
Switzerland
by Mazz- 1 reply
- 329 views
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 382 views
Last reply by Emma, -
Prison Break
by Mazz- 2 replies
- 465 views
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending
Last reply by Emma, -
- 2 replies
- 345 views
A minister was talking to a group of children about forgiveness. He asked them, "What must happen before we can expect to be forgiven for doing wrong?" The children seemed unsure about the answer, but finally Lil' Johnny made a guess, saying, "First we have to do something wrong?"
Last reply by Emma, -
Lets Ride!
by PaulG- 5 replies
- 614 views
an aww and lol Kodak moment
Last reply by Sian Morgan, -
A Cup Of Tea
by Mazz- 2 replies
- 400 views
One day, a little girl was visiting her grandparents. Her Grandma had to go out and do some shopping and so her Grandpa was left in charge. ISomeone had given fer a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the television when the little girl brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, her Grandma came home. Well, Grandpa made Grandma wait in the living room to watch the little girl bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Grandma waited, and sure enough, here came the little girl down the hall…
Last reply by NOBELHOWLUC49, -
French Class
by Mazz- 1 reply
- 339 views
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, “You’ll know you’re really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French.” The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, “Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!” “Great!” said the teacher; “what were they saying?” “I don’t know,” the boy replied; “I couldn’t understand them.”
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 395 views
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness – and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Last reply by Emma, -
Short Takes
by Mazz- 3 replies
- 428 views
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I almost died in "Finding Nemo." When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think its cute. I just think it’s crazy how many people bring knives on a date. Husband (watching a video): "Don’t do it! I swear you are going regret it for the rest of your life. You're dumb if you say it! Don’t say 'Yes!' No! Aw dang, he actually did it! What an idiot!" Wife: "Honey, why are you so mad? What is it you are watching?" Husband: "Our wedding ceremony." Ever …
Last reply by Sarah, -
Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?" "Yes, sir, they were." "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" "Yes, sir, she did." "And," looking at Judi, "what was it she said?" "She mumbled , 'What disco am I at?'"
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 401 views
A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt encrusted piece of metal. He scratched away at it to remove the salt, to reveal a very old oil lamp. With an embarrassed look around him, the guy gives it a quick rub... a Genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy. "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?" "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." The gen…
Last reply by Emma, -
- 1 reply
- 352 views
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing. You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride,…
Last reply by Emma,
