Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
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"Lexophile" is a word used describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end. .. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. .. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. .. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. .. The batteries were given out free of charge. .. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. .. A will is a dead giveaway. .. …
Last reply by Mazz, -
- 1 reply
- 332 views
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?" The man replied," Got here in two, didn't I?" ***** Police responded to a house only to find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron and standing over a lifeless man. The officer asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes," says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf…
Last reply by robke, -
- 3 replies
- 243 views
I have a strange neighbor. They aren't like the other ones. They mind their own business and never bother anyone.
Last reply by robke, -
- 4 replies
- 322 views
One day, Monica, an elderly woman was walking along Main Street, coming home from the local supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed 'Nathan Hale's Used Cars', she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. So, Monica walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, 'Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger. The owner replies, 'Well, let's see. Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury. We have a couple on the lot. What col…
Last reply by goingsolo, -
- 2 replies
- 241 views
Two Women from Ireland ... Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland . The other woman responds proudly, "Yes, I sure am!" The first one says, "So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from? The other woman answers, "I'm from St. John's , I am." The first one responds, "So, am I! And what street did you live on?" The other woman says, "A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town." The first one says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And wh…
Last reply by robke, -
- 3 replies
- 265 views
Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table. "Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal. "Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second. "Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
Last reply by robke, -
- 2 replies
- 251 views
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all theirailments at Weatherspoon's. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," saidone. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can'teven see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my handsare so crippled," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said one elderly lady! "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one,to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another. "I…
Last reply by robke, -
- 8 replies
- 580 views
Saw this on Facebook
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 5 replies
- 520 views
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what.?.?.?" You've been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got in that car accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... "You know what Martha.?.?.?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
Last reply by Maz51, -
- 3 replies
- 362 views
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year, and every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars." One year, Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word,…
Last reply by Maz51, -
- 3 replies
- 386 views
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times... When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate coating that's around th…
Last reply by Maz51, -
- 2 replies
- 283 views
Last reply by Andy, -
- 5 replies
- 523 views
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a …
Last reply by Skyla, -
- 6 replies
- 495 views
1. Why do they never serve beer at a math party? Because you can’t drink and derive… 2. Why couldn’t the angle get a loan? His parents wouldn’t Cosine. 3. Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems. 4. Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? Because it was over 90 degrees. 5. Why do plants hate math? Because it gives them square roots. 6. What do you call an angle that is adorable? Acute angle. 7. Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point! 8. Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it? It was too cubed. 9. What does the little mermaid wear? An algae-bra. 10. Why didn’t sin and tan…
Last reply by Mazz, -
- 4 replies
- 415 views
A man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She …
Last reply by Andy, -
- 3 replies
- 284 views
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog aske…
Last reply by Emma, -
Think Smart.
by Emma- 1 reply
- 281 views
Think they could have planned the layout a little more practically, lol.
Last reply by robke, -
Ice is always snapping his mouth at the flies going past.........
Last reply by Emma, -
- 3 replies
- 367 views
A strawberry and a cucumber grew up in the same garden patch. They were best buds growing up. As they grew older, they decided it was time to branch out, leave home, and see the world. So they hitched a ride on a nearby vegetable cart and took off. Their first stop was at a local farmer’s market. Unfortunately, that’s where the trouble started. A big row broke out and they got separated, one of them ending up in a jam and the other in a pickle.
Last reply by mydiamond, -
- 2 replies
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ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends, and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scrap…
Last reply by Emma, -
- 7 replies
- 520 views
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapi…
Last reply by SnowDogLove, -
- 2 replies
- 285 views
Two elderly ladies had been friends since their 30s. Now in their 80s, they still got together a couple of times a week to play cards. One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, "You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don't get mad, but for the life of me, I can't remember your name. Please tell me what it is." Her friend glared at her. She continued to glare and stare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Last reply by Emma, -
In the lady's room at work, the office manager had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it ... “Think!” The next day, she went to the lady’s room, looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read ... “Thoap!”
Last reply by Emma, -
- 4 replies
- 313 views
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' g…
Last reply by Emma, -
- 5 replies
- 421 views
Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?" "You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."
Last reply by SnowDogLove,
