Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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I was visiting France, and while in Paris I decided to take a guided tour around the beautiful cathedral on the banks of the Seine. As we were being shown around the building, all of a sudden I spotted a lunch box lying on the floor. So I picked it up, and handed it to the guide. He was very apologetic, and hurried off with it. After a few minutes, I could hear him calling up the bell tower: "Quasimodo! You left your lunch box lying around again!" When the guide returned, he apologized again, and when we asked him about the lunch box, he said: "Don't worry about it... it's just the Lunchpack of Notredame."
Last reply by robke, -
- 1 reply
- 290 views
Johann Strauss was an avid mountain climber who once waltzed himself into deep trouble. He lost his footing and found himself hanging by his fingertips over a bottomless gorge. Another climber heroically came to his rescue and just managed to grab Johann by a strap of his lederhosen to save the maestro's life. Since then, the act of trying to get out of a seemingly hopeless situation has come to be known as ... ... grasping at Strauss!
Last reply by robke, -
- 1 reply
- 264 views
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down." Huskies in the Heartland
Last reply by robke, -
The Telegram
by Mazz- 1 reply
- 234 views
It was Schneider's birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door. "Telegram!" He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?" Schneider asked the messenger boy. "No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore." "I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?" "Sorry." "Please," begged Schneider. "Today's my birthday !" "Oh, all right," said the boy, "Dah-dah dee... dee-dee-dah, your sister Ruth is dead!" Huskies in the Heartland
Last reply by robke, -
- 3 replies
- 354 views
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first …
Last reply by robke, -
- 4 replies
- 639 views
Last reply by NOBELHOWLUC49, -
- 14 replies
- 674 views
Number One. "I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre in Brisbane. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and,at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away". Number Two. Some Boeing employees on the airfield in Sydney decided to steal a life raft from one o…
Last reply by NOBELHOWLUC49, -
- 4 replies
- 406 views
Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher. Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe . When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand ? Clearly -- this was a job for Mensa minds. The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They …
Last reply by robke, -
- 3 replies
- 544 views
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Good morning young man, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday ... I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're pulling my leg, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”
Last reply by robke, -
- 4 replies
- 510 views
on the motorway this morning ..
Last reply by Elyse, -
- 2 replies
- 350 views
After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks: "What the heck does that mean?" He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot". She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said: "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down now. A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a c…
Last reply by robke, -
Good Bye Mom
by Mazz- 3 replies
- 375 views
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease? It's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a…
Last reply by BingBlaze n Skyla, -
- 2 replies
- 355 views
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit thre…
Last reply by Andy, -
- 2 replies
- 241 views
Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor. They were the first roller coasters. Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest. They called them ferrous wheels.
Last reply by robke, -
- 3 replies
- 787 views
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden p…
Last reply by Maz51, -
- 2 replies
- 399 views
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it. The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn’t have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, “So Deari…
Last reply by Andy, -
- 2 replies
- 273 views
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole you can go a little farther now if ya vant to"...So Ole drove to Duluth.
Last reply by Andy, -
- 3 replies
- 401 views
A driver of a huge trailer lost control and plowed into an empty tollbooth , smashing it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
Last reply by Andy, -
- 2 replies
- 441 views
Have you ever thought about the range of words which have a Grecian root? There are lots of such words in mathematics, like "geometry". Some of these words have an interesting derivation. A contemporary of Pythagoras was watching a parrot playing with some twigs, once upon a time. Although birds often play with twigs and leaves and branches, this parrot, to the mathematician's amazement, actually arranged the pieces of wood into some sort of a pattern. Then, unfortunately, the bird keeled over, dead. The mathematician was so moved that he named the shape, "Dead parrot" although -- of course -- he said it in Greek. Which is why we call that shape a polygon.
Last reply by Andy, -
Labs
by Guinnessman- 4 replies
- 592 views
Just received this and it tickled me so thought I'd share. Logan's best mate is a black Lab. (Who may come to camp for a few days)
Last reply by goingsolo, -
- 1 reply
- 259 views
"And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said the husband. "Yes, several," the wife replied. "Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed." "I did!"
Last reply by robke, -
- 1 reply
- 247 views
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, ? Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Last reply by robke, -
- 5 replies
- 355 views
This one made me laugh, so that's why it's in the joke section. Enjoy.
Last reply by robke, -
- 3 replies
- 285 views
So you're flying through the forest on your jet ski. All of the sudden, your plow breaks and your wheel falls off. How many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse? And the answer is. . . Purple. Because Ice cream doesn't have bones.
Last reply by NOBELHOWLUC49, -
- 1 reply
- 247 views
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work, particularly which types of patients they'd had the best experiences with. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."
Last reply by robke,
