One for the ladies .....

[Sarah]

This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from Wendi

Aarons, Austin, TX, regarding their feminine products.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20

years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the

LeakGuardCore™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go

horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of

running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite

feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the

only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be

aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month

knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from

'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month' is

starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces

violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body

will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call

'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills'.

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no

doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your

customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know

about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our

intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely

realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my

friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's

testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her

he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America

is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which

brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted

to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always

maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f**king kidding me? Does any part of your tiny

middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,

laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned

above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless

you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything

'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and

Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to

the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end

your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have

to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to

say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put Down the Hammer' or

'Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective

immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have

chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will

certainly miss your Fle x-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your

brand of condescending bull ****. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin, TX

[Dunc]

'Have a Happy Period.' LMFAO