Smokey

I haven't been well... Was hospitalized on a 5150 hold a while back. I had never had a clearer thought or plan to end my life. I don't know if it's just that I fail at everything I do or at this because subconsciously I don't want to die...or I don't even know if it is a cry for help or attention... I'm sorry... Can you tell me this though...if I chose not to get help, does that make me a bad person? Does that mean I make the people around me suffer...? Does that mean I'm lazy? Am I afraid of getting help because if i do 'get better', I'll still fail at life but will no longer have an excuse...? What I want to do is isolate myself...does that make sense? I want to push away the people that 'care' about me..it upsets me even more watching myself do that...and it not working with at least a couple people... Because I know I've no worth to this world or myself and am insufferable (probably even downright evil) to those who 'love' me... Tell me this too...why do you feel it is necessary to 'help' someone like me? After all I am an adult...so why can't you let me make my own decisions ...? If life is precious to you...why do you feel it is necessary to make me feel the same way by referring me to 'help'? Isn't that like trying to convert a believer into a nonbeliever (or vise versa) instead of being tolerant and accepting of our of differences? How can I make it difficult for you to want to help? I do have my regularly scheduled psych stuff. Have been and will continue...if it makes you feel at ease...? It may not be working...? And I'll continue trying...but this interim between what works and what doesn't work requires patience that is frustrating and dwindling...

Thanks Andy! We still think about Daughtry and pray you're doing well...(are you...?). Much <3

Just being silly <3 We heart all of you!

Smokey's training grid: 1) say bye! 2) mid spin! 3) keep your eye on the prize! 4) good boy! Such a lovely lil pup isn't he?!?

Andy I'm so sorry. I wish you strength and hope you're ok... We <3 you...

My serious boy... 'I is stuck' Our Christmasy pics! It's a sunny day and he was soaking it in!

We don't celebrate Christmas but these are to show solidarity with those who do! We love all of you and wish you a very Merry Christmas! Show me your gifts please?!?

My FIL passed away. We've had about 8-12 people staying with us for the last week (not including kids) and another 10-15 people in and out of the house for condolences. Every night my home is in disarray. And every night I have to clean without much help. There is so much food that we have been throwing away (we literally got an entire new fridge and threw everything in it away). I can't donate the food because most of it has gone bad or has been sitting out too long. I grew up an only child with few friends. I never really learned to be assertive, share or to maintain relationships with social skills because I never really needed them...My husband on the other hand obviously has a lot of family and friends that he needs around and manages... So that leaves me a mess. I become passive aggressive and get walked all over. I want my house kept clean and my space respected. Our dinning table chair has been broken, one of our toilet seats has been broken, our mattress has been thrown-up on and i'm sure we will find other things "lost" or broken. I want people to handle what they want to eat themselves and clean up after themselves. I don't want to host when I should be grieving with my husband. I feel like my husband needs their support yet I suffer so much because of this... I've no idea what is going to happen with my MIL. It scares me...My parents always taught me to not necessarily pay them back for what they've done for me; that just can't be done. They taught me to pay it forward. This includes taking care of myself. My husband comes from a completely different set of values. His mom and his father (RIP) told him to take care of them. It's a never ending ladder of expectations where they ask, he jumps and they ask and he jumps...where I find myself in all this is taking on a set of values that I don't necessarily agree with or believe in...the only way to reconcile these feelings is to continue to do as I do and vent over here... And throughout this ordeal, I feel as if no one has been there solely for me. My parents came and my dad was the only one that I felt cared about my well-being. Never have I felt so alone. I may have created my own reality; no friends, no family--no human support system. But I've never felt I lacked anything. Until recently. No matter what anyone says or thinks, pets cannot provide the support or comfort or care that humans can. And more so in my case when culturally others don't understand how much they mean to me... Do you think this way as well? My husband has attempted to foster friendships for me. I've reciprocated the environment to nurture these gestures. I've tried this with probably 3 or 4 people. It's failed miserably. I've felt I bared my soul and felt they did as well. It's been mutual until things burnt out or something happened that barricaded the friendship. I told my husband not to do it any more. I failed. Not once but 3 or 4 times. It just makes the loneliness so much more real and worse. Because to have a friend and to have lost him/her constantly makes me hold a lot of resentment toward people in general. And what it does to my own sense of credibility as a human no one can imagine.. Anyway, experiences (?) advice (?) anything (?) welcome. Thank you for letting me vent...I'm sorry this is so long

Puppy to lovely beast! C:

Wow C: Thank you for sharing!

'Nom! Are these mine?!?' Holiday cookies! My two boys (Mister the diabetic cat and Tryst) Similarities? Good pups! This is what Smokey does if I try to share the sofa with him. 'Ew mama has cooties!' My sweet heart. Enjoy!

What do you think?!?

Which one? These are cropped to size But the gist is there...

Love this rule! Will attempt! Lol! What's aperture? C:

She really isn't as innocent as she looks sometimes...C: Can you believe he learned this recently?!?