One liners....

[Sarah]

* A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?

* Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

* There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

* When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, Are you two an item?

* I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

* A guy walks into the psychiatrists office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, I can clearly see youre nuts.

* I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. (Bada Bing!)

* My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

* Show me where Stalins buried and Ill show you a communist plot.

* At a hearing aid center: Let us give you some sound advice.

* A neutron walks into a bar. Id like a beer he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. How much will that be? asks the neutron. For you? replies the bartender, no charge.

* Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says Oi - get out! We dont want your type in here

* My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasnt note worthy.

* Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldnt finish the last movement.

* Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

* How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasnt trained.

* I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.

* If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

* I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldnt have paid for me.