Sarah Posted October 30, 2008 Report Share Posted October 30, 2008 The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dog walker Posted October 30, 2008 Report Share Posted October 30, 2008 spank the monkey springs to mind?? or is that just me:eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah Posted October 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2008 from a male point of view.....probably not lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dunc Posted October 31, 2008 Report Share Posted October 31, 2008 Think thats the most boarin 3 mins i ever spent on a forum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pjdorothy Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 I can't believe this!! I wrote this joke back in 1996 sitting at my computer seriously bored! This morning I was watching some of the Casey Anthony trial and thought I would look up some info on it. And there it was, in her jail house letters, my monkey story! I yelled out to no one "That's mine". I do tend to yell at no one when no one is around. I had uploaded it on a comment page for Paula Poundstone around the end of '96 just hoping to get a reply from her. I did not get any reply and didn't think much about afterward. The story is a little different from when I wrote it. The end said nothing about punching anyone in the genitals but I had given out the gifts and they pretended they liked them but I knew they were lying. They just looked am me and said "Thanks, I like monkeys". I didn't title it until the end. I have never had anything I wrote really go anywhere but then again I never tried for it to! The sad part is I don't think I have any way to prove I wrote it. I have the original I printed but it doesn't have a date and the e-mail address where I sent it from is long long gone. I guess I am just happy to see it out in the world. It makes me feel all warm and gooey inside, but that could also be the pudding my kids spilled in my shoes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahNukka&Shadow Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 I think that is possibley the most bizar thing Iv ever read!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BingBlaze n Skyla Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 erm.......................................... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo & Oisin Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 uh!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Miss Strange Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 haha hear is a pic of a monkey i took on a holiday he is eating a fruit mentos:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan J P Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 I DONT like monkeys.......lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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