Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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- 14 replies
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You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished . A little boy asked …
Last reply by lesley, -
- 7 replies
- 632 views
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: 'Why so glum?' Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!' Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?' Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.' Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.' Guy: 'Gee that sounds …
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 5 replies
- 600 views
Why We Love Children A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went ' Pssst' and it didn't move' A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later......'Da-ad....' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?' 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.' Five minutes later: 'D a-aaaad.....' …
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 2 replies
- 553 views
The question is why. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? ?Where's that…
Last reply by laura_3173, -
- 3 replies
- 553 views
* What's the capital of Iceland ? - About 3.50 * How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday * Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon *What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four. *As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue…
Last reply by laura_3173, -
- 5 replies
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1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public. 2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older. 3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair. 4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health. 5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute. 6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours. 7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff. …
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 3 replies
- 645 views
* dog humorYou have a mental list of people you would like to spay or neuter. * Running out of paper towels is a household crisis. * You stick fake reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him for your Christmas Cards. * Not only do family and friends think you go overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they have never seen the holy family depicted by dogs. * Your checks show a dog. * You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture. * You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their ears. * You not only allow dogs on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor because the dog has "territorial issues." …
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 0 replies
- 493 views
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. GAR…
Last reply by PawPrints, -
- 0 replies
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12. But it SMELLS like food. 11. The cat did it. 10. What say we all drive down to Dairy Queen? 9. Explain this 'heat' thing again. 8. Mind if I sit there? 7. You gonna eat ALL of that? 6. I don't smell anything. 5. Could I see the menu? 4. FETCH THIS! 3. Next time, I pick the bitch! 2. This isn't a mess, it's ambiance! And THE number one thing your dog would say: 1. You are going to cut off my WHAT?!?
Last reply by PawPrints, -
- 3 replies
- 1.1k views
Why do men like to be on the bottom during sex? Because they only know how to f**k up!
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 2 replies
- 621 views
* Remove film from box and load camera. * Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. * Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. * Choose a suitable background for photo. * Mount camera on tripod and focus. * Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth. * Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera. * Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees. * Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand. * Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. * Take flashcube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. * Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose. * …
Last reply by Sarah, -
- 2 replies
- 650 views
101 Combating Stupidity 102 You Too Can Do Housework 103 P.M.S. Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut 104 How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray 105 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Give Us Money 106 Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM 107 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly "Don't Wash My Silks") 108 Parenting No, It Doesn't End With Conception 109 Get a Life Learn How To Cook 110 How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong …
Last reply by PawPrints, -
- 2 replies
- 863 views
* Your last name stays put. * The garage is all yours. * Wedding plans take care of themselves. * Chocolate is just another snack. * You can be president. * You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. * Car mechanics tell you the truth. * You don't give a rat's *** if someone notices your new haircut. * The world is your urinal. * You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. * Same work...more pay. * Wrinkles add character. * You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. * Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. * People never stare at your ch…
Last reply by PawPrints, -
- 1 reply
- 601 views
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 1 reply
- 586 views
101 Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV 102 Doing Housework Without Complaining 103 Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge 104 Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends) 105 Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?" 106 Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother 107 Learning How to Initiate Intimacy 108 How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong 109 Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?" 110 Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is …
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 1 reply
- 608 views
Your potted plants stay alive. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up". You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. Older rela…
Last reply by Dunc, -
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http://forums.afterdawn.com/thread_view.cfm/307045
Last reply by Dunc, -
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When the baby was first made, all the parts wanted to be BOSS. The Brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking I should be Boss". The feet said, "Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him into position to do what the Brain wants I should be Boss". The hands said, "Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be Boss". And so it went, the Heart, the Ears, the Lungs and finally the ASSHOLE spoke and demand to be BOSS. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an ASSHOLE being BOSS. The ASSHOLE was so angered that he blocked himself …
Last reply by Sarah, -
Q Why is Oprah supporting Obama? A She has a history of supporting frauds. Q. What made Barack help a Chicago slumlord to victimize the poor? A. The check. Q. Why does Barack want higher taxes? A. Cause he wont be the one paying them. Q: What's the problem with Barack Obama jokes? A: His followers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Last reply by Sarah, -
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- 719 views
http://www.misternicehands.com/ Saw this and thought of you Dunc lol
Last reply by Sarah, -
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- 681 views
I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?' When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of differen…
Last reply by laura_3173, -
- 5 replies
- 678 views
Come on don't leave the poor thing on it's own - own up!
Last reply by PawPrints, -
- 6 replies
- 741 views
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting …
Last reply by PawPrints, -
- 1 reply
- 653 views
Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family... AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too. DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside. DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins. DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster. …
Last reply by Dunc, -
- 2 replies
- 729 views
A stitch in time saves nine what? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? --Steven Wright Are female moths called myths? Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Are there a lot of virgins in the Virgin Islands? Are there any unguided missiles? Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"? Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?…
Last reply by dog walker,