Jokes n Stuff
A place to LOL
3,592 topics in this forum
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Q: In which battle did Napoleon die?A: His last oneQ: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?A: At the bottom of the pageQ: The Verde River flows in which state?A: A liquidQ: What is the main reason for divorce?A: MarriageQ: What is the main reason for failure?A: ExamsQ: What can you never eat for breakfast?A: Lunch and dinnerQ: What looks like half an apple?A: The other halfQ: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?A: It will simply become wetQ: How can a man go eight days without sleeping?A: No problem, he sleeps at nightQ: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?A: You will never find an elephant that has only one handQ: If you had …
Last reply by Emma, -
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Oh how true! I've given up wearing black, too much lint rolling required!
Last reply by Emma, -
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Last reply by robke, -
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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son."Yes, Dad, what is it?""Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Last reply by robke, -
- 4 replies
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When we get older we think differently. This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind, especially if you are familiar with the elderly. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.Dear Kean Elementary, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless …
Last reply by Emma, -
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Last reply by Emma, -
Bear would be after their fox poo scent. She loves rolling around in it. Dirty girl! lol.
Last reply by Emma, -
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Jane asked the detective she had hired, "Did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you." ***** An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better", said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90." ***** Don't take life too seriously. Yo…
Last reply by Emma, -
- 3 replies
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God said that it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God again said that it was good. On the third da…
Last reply by Emma, -
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Ole lived across the Minnesota River from Clarence Bunsen, whom he didn't like at all. They were yelling across the river at each other all the time. Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come ofver dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!" This went on for years. Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses. Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?" Ole replied, "OK, by yimminy, I tink I vill do yust dat!" Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and ca…
Last reply by Emma, -
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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I…
Last reply by Emma, -
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Some good old ones... Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: A white one... Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? ************************ Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.. ************************* Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. …
Last reply by Awolf401, -
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Last reply by NOBELHOWLUC49, -
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Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw another need. In His wisdom He made seniors loose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach &stretch. And God looked down & saw that it was good. Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. So, if you find as you age, you a…
Last reply by Emma, -
Pizza Farm
by Mazz- 3 replies
- 557 views
Last reply by Emma, -
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Last reply by Emma, -
Dinner Party
by Mazz- 3 replies
- 559 views
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn’t seen for quite a while,and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.All during dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old stared at me sitting across from her.The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair inplace but nothing stopped her from staring at me.I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like …
Last reply by Emma, -
When the fog clears in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A
Last reply by Andy, -
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Last reply by Andy, -
Where Am I?
by Mazz- 2 replies
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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SE…
Last reply by robke, -
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Last reply by Jay, -
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Last reply by Emma, -
Punctuation
by Mazz- 2 replies
- 428 views
Last reply by robke, -
My neighbor, a dentist, is married to a manicurist. They fight tooth and nail.
Last reply by robke, -
This is so Ice!
Last reply by Mazz,